Understanding Bereavement And Grieving

• Shock and Numbness: In the early days following a death. This is more likely if you were not prepared such as in a more sudden and unexpected death. This could be the result of an accident, misadventure or suicide. Shock and numbness are natural responses that serve as protective mechanisms to the psyche, allowing you to slowly absorb the reality of the situation.
  
  
• Denial: You might find it hard to believe that the person has gone. Denial is a common defence mechanism that serves to protect from the pain of the loss. Unconscious denial occurs when you go looking for the person and continue routines forgetting that the other person is no longer present – things like making two drinks automatically or hearing sounds that make you think they are present. Sometimes these occurrences will continue for some time after the person has died. This does not mean you are in denial of the death. Routines can be ‘hardwired’ and remain deep in the memory so that you are automatically programmed to do things as if the deceased was still present. It takes time for these processes to readjust.
  
  
• Anger: Anger is a commonly felt emotion. You may feel anger towards yourself if you think you could have done something that might have stopped the person from dying. Similarly, you could be angry at someone else for the same reasons. Some people feel anger towards the person who has died because they have been left to cope on their own.
  Bargaining: This involves making theoretical deals or promises in hopes of reversing or lessening the loss. It is often characterised by ‘what if’ statements. Some people describe being in a dream or sense of unreality. People wonder if they do something positive (for example praising their partner because they believe that is something they did not do when they were alive), then they will be rewarded such as waking up out of a dream to find the person is still alive.
  
  
• Depression: As the reality of the loss sinks in, you may experience deep sadness and low mood. This can be the most prolonged and intense part of grieving. It can become intermittent with some days worse than others. Some people describe having have no motivation to do anything, a feeling of ‘what’s the point’.
  Acceptance: At some point the negative feelings and thoughts begin to lessen. There is a greater acceptance that the loss has occurred and the reality of contemplating a life without the deceased. Acceptance does not mean forgetting or being more okay with the loss but rather finding a way to live with it as part of your life and finding a way to move forward.
  
  

The above elements were described by Elizabeth Kubler Ross and became known as ‘stages of grief’. There is no starting point or end point, these are generalisations. People often recognise their own experiences as the same or similar to some of the elements in the model. However, if you haven’t progressed through all the stages, it doesn’t mean you are not grieving normally. There are other ‘models’ of grief which can be helpful to some people, as a way of looking at grief. It is not necessary to ‘fit’ the model, because the way people grieve is different from each other.

Physical symptoms of grief.  Grief can produce physical effects such as:

• Fatigue and exhaustion, feeling that even small things require a lot of effort. Grieving uses up a lot of emotional energy especially when your brain cannot stop thinking. This uses a lot of calories and people can lose weight.
  
  
• Changes in appetite such as not feeling hungry or wanting to eat which adds to weight loss. The reverse can happen where people eat for comfort and binge often on foods that are high in fats and ultra processed which can lead to weight gain..
  
  
• Difficulty sleeping (insomnia) such as getting off to sleep, Only sleeping for short periods and waking early. Having difficult dreams, nightmares, flashbacks or panic attacks.
  
  
• Aches and pains especially of the same type the deceased might have had.
  
  
• A weakened immune system resulting in feeling unwell for longer periods of time with colds and flu symptoms.